7/18 entry

 even though this is my journal, I don't want to spam, but I'm just always in a constant state of back and forth with myself. do I want to stoop to their level or rise above? like I wanna stoop because if you wanna go low I can go to hell, but I don't want my body to be a pawn in the crossfire. when it comes to be the worse person, I can match them verbally and socially but not physically because I have morals. when does the line between self-control and just plain old restriction stop and start? that's the question I have to ask myself. like I be wanting it as bad as they do but I have standards. when am I just being a stick in the mud vs responsible? I always have a feeling that I can't shake but I have anxiety so it's difficult to differentiate. I should go to therapy huh? 

a poem

 every syllable that slips off your tongue is slicker than soap

every word slithers out of your mouth and takes me hostage

our love dried up and withered away like every flower you ever bought

if they never lasted why did I think we would?

Yet, they sit on my window sill 

as pretty

 as the day

 I got them

but you are long gone.

free write entry 7/17

Today was such an anxiety inducing day. I have never been more sexually frustrated than today. I have never wanted a man like that before. Like actively wanted to please a man. He was very aggressive but so gentle at the same time. I'm very conflicted about a number of things. His age, his place in life, his employment, how he feels about sex and his closeness to me. There is a lot of things I do like about him though. Is it enough to make me stay? Is what I offer enough to make him stay? I wonder that. They always say it okay at first but once you get em good and going, they can't take it forreal. No man has enough self-control. I guess that's the point. To see who can take the heat.  like let's be honest what man is going to want to screw one girl and spoil another. that's twice the work. well, that's what I offer if you want to be with me. you can stay or go it don't matter to me but don't be pressing me. I think that's my approach. this shi mad selfish but idc. Like either you want me, or you don't simple. As of right now I feel distance between us, and the rift will only grow deeper I feel. part of me feels like what's the point of withholding? it's going to be a lot of work and I might turn away a genuinely good person but are they that good if they can't take it? or am I being extra... is this all for naught? And then every moan makes me feel like a slut and ion mind that, but every dude can't be slutting me out. if you look too good then they just want a taste bro just a nibble. I can tell this dude wants to devour me bro. sometimes I wonder what life would be like if I was ugly. like would people see me for me? like a part of me feels like he only wants to make it work because it's me, like bc of his attraction to me. people only see my face and don't care about what's in my head and that's what I'm trying to avoid, I guess. I wish he would put himself first in the way I am. like he should care about his boundaries that much and not break them for me. my head is in a tizzy. Would i have he same approach if it was a woman? probably not for a number of reasons. a big part of me thinks that im scared to be wrong or bad or fail. so i just dont try at all. tbh its not fair to make people jump through all of these hoops because i wouldn't want to either but like idk. it all makes  me so mad that i have to feel like this in the first place. its so much pressure on me. trying to be perfectly in the middle all the time is tiring. im actually so mad i cant think straight. this happens every time too. I just want to feel love and affection so bad. honestly it probably clouds my mind. I'm on a timer. Every time you mention something and take it too far to where I'm uncomfortable the timer resets. ill get there eventually but when you press me or mention it constantly i already know whats up with you. anyway that was a slew of deep and dark emotions that i didnt even realize i had. im just typing my feelings away. It got kind of lengthy but i guess i had a lot to say. 

free write entry 7/13

 Am I the snake in the egg? The wolf in sheep's clothing? My own biggest enemy? My greatest fear? Am I in a chase only to turn and realize I'm chasing myself? It's something on my heart these days. i just feel like I'm shooting myself in the foot. the self-sabotage is crazy. I feel like the whole world is against me and I don't know why I feel like that. is it the isolation? but I want to be alone. I'm very out of my healing others phase but I do miss that side of myself. that was when I was feeling the most stressed and spread thin. no one can love the way I can. fully, completely, freely etc etc I feel like no one will be able to love me the way I love others or myself. idk I just feel so distant and cold lately. in a daze almost. I will say I haven't been breaking for anyone. (Bending a little but I snap right back) I deadass don't want to be touched at all not even the simplest sht. like let's kiss and hold hands and leave it at that. I feel like an asshole for putting myself first and I be wondering is it true that I'm an asshole because I admit I can be or is it society? like is it the womanly instincts placed in me by society that are making me feel like that. I think I let the "selfish phase" of my life get out of hand. Thats my problem!! I can never just half do something. such an extremist. I'm in that self reflectory stage of the ebb and flow of my life. which includes the people around me. I can never tell if what I think about them is dramatic or justified or I'm just being a bitch but I also don't take the time to decipher it either. I think I'm just obsessed with my own misery right now which is ironic because I HATE people like that. like I realize I have a problem but I don't want to put in the work. lowkey I feel bad about the way I be stringing niggas along but at the same time I don't care because they are capable of way worse. Once again I don't know what direction my life is going in but I never know. will i ever? once thing that has really striked me lately is that i have no idea what im doing academically but i dont really care because future me will figure it out. peace out! 

July 7th, 2022

 I can feel myself spiraling back into that cold heartless mean girl. The day seems a little longer and greyer. and there's nothing I can. I haven't felt like this in a long time and I don't know why I get like this.

Chakra work

 Explain the concept of the existence of universal and human energy.

everything has energy including objects and the people around use. everything can also absorb energy. inanimate objects are not affected by this transference, but people are.

List the 7 main chakras in the body and their locations.

Root chakra, which is the butt to the feet, sacral which is the private areas to the lower abdomen, solar plexus which is stomach, heart chakra, which is in the heart, throat chakra which is in the throat, third eye chakra which is the brow and forehead, and the crown chakra which is the top of the head.

identify the function of each of the chakras.

root chakra is grounding, sacral is about sexuality, solar plexus is personality and power, heart is love. throat is about expression; brow is about awakening, and crown is about being limitless.

explain how/why each chakra becomes blocked.

each chakra can be blocked by specific characteristics but just generally negative thoughts or thinking.

list specific illnesses that can be caused by blocked energy.

root chakra physical illnesses would include constipation or anything involving feet. sacral chakra would be diseases involving private areas and stomach issues. heart would be heart problems; throat is throat problems, and third eye and crown are migraines and eye problems.

define how to resolve blockages of energy in the chakras.

cleanse yourself, do the work to understand the blockages.

My friends and the chakra I think they should work on:

Mason: heart chakra all around, overactive solar plexus

Micaela: heart chakra all around, underactive sacral chakra, overactive solar plexus, overactive throat, underactive crown and all around brow 

Deija: none

Nini: underactive third eye, underactive throat chakra,

Myron: underactive third eye, overactive heart chakra, overactive solar plexus

Cjay: overactive sacral, underactive third eye,

Matt: throat chakra all around

Kyle: overactive solar plexus, overactive root, overactive sacral, overactive heart, a little OA crown

Nia: heart chakra all around, overactive third eye, underactive crown, overactive throat, solar plexus all around, overactive sacral, overactive root

Jerm: overactive root, underactive throat, underactive sacral, underactive solar plexus, underactive heart, under active crown

Miya: overactive crown a smidge, underactive third eye, heart chakra all around, overactive solar plexus a smidge, overactive sacral,