like a boy

idk why I'm like this

maybe I want to do you like I assume you'd do me

or this is just who I am

I only want you for your body really.

your just a warm body next to me

just short of human, only here for whatever I can use you for.

I don't care about what's in your head really, what you ate today, or your dreams and aspirations..

shut up and do what you came to do.

but ill never be like you really.

I care that you hurt and even that you wish

and thank God for that.

They tell me "you so cold" "you so mean"

you made me this way

im a reflection

look at me 

dont i look familiar

im a product of the way youve treated me for so long

and i finally bit back

what I learned at 18

 Things I learned at 18

Watch male friends extra close

It’s okay to make mistakes

You can’t be good at everything

just because you have your reasoning and you think you're right you can be the villain in someone else's story

You can’t control people’s perception of you

Sometimes you have to forgive yourself

Sometimes you have to forgive others for the sake of yourself

Don’t be so easily persuaded by a crowd

Let yourself sleep before driving

being the bigger person is not always the best option

my friends parents fucked them up

watch how your man does another woman

you wont always get closure

Never let a man ruin your day/mood

Don’t force things

Things will not always be how they are forever

Relationships with friends will change and its bad sometimes but not always

Some of the best times of your life are ahead of you

Don’t go where you’re not wanted

18 was the start of multiple ego deaths

life is expensive

there's only so much planning you can do. everything else is up to chance

the most fun comes from the most unplanned things

trust your intuition

don't ignore the signs

don't let a man have to tell you twice he don't want you

put yourself first

being young and in a relationship don't mix

being alone is cool being together is better

you have to allow  yourself to accept new people in your life

take a chance on others

he's just a man, you make them special

have those uncomfortable talks with your friends

most people just need an ear not advice

a lot of the time being the bigger person and taking the high road hurts

allow your friends the space to change

allow your friends the space to make mistakes

I'm not perfect

getting off track of set routines is easy

you need some vegetables in your life

sometimes all you need to do is get into nature/ out of your room/bed

everything does not need to be said 

they're more scared of you than you are of them

every situation isn't black and white, its a lot of grey area

cant save everybody

you are not better than anyone no matter what journey in life you're on

skin to skin sleep is addicting

mirroring

I've been feeling my energy be very mirrored lately which is not a good thing if you didn't know. In relationships and friendships. you act more caring then you are more smart than you are and more interesting than you are, but really you're just acting like me. in relationships that mirror starts to crack and I can see myself when i look at the reflection now. I've never been mirrored before so it was interesting to see first hand. you were only interesting, attractive and likeable because I made you that. without me what do you have? someone who is desperate sad and lonely. and I don't feel one lick of bad for you. the difference between this and friendships though is the awareness of it. a SO might have full awareness that they are doing this copying your style and tone and trying to match your intelligence. after the jig is up and you see their true colors you'll be surprised about how green that monster of jealously is. ill never touch an insecure man again as long as I can help it. you made yourself a puppet on a string and then get mad at me. even with all that turmoil in relationships, friendships probably hurt the worst because it slowly sneaks up on you until its undeniably unsettling. studying my thought process so you can think like me and hijacking my journey is crazy. and you don't even steal the best parts of me. I don't want to say much about it because I feel crazy just talking about it.

about me, about you, about us

 I've realized that everyone thinks everything is about them. and why wouldn't they you know? they occupy their head and their body. they give their own thoughts life and breath with whatever cooked up theory they have in their head. but luckily for me I've reached this level in my consciousness where I realize not everything is about me. everyone has their days and their own thoughts. people have sort of adopted this idea of having their "own" friend, which is strange to me. The idea of a best friend is strange to me. I think a best friend is supposed to fill the void and be an extension of yourself but what do you do when the spot is already filled by YOU? I think I've down the work where I don't rely on anyone for anything. and not in a morbid way but more in a non vampire way. I don't suck the life money energy or spirit from others. every person has a position in my life, a role that they play, but at the end of the day I could do all their jobs. think of it like this. I am the manager of my body and mind. a good manager can recognize that they have good employees but also recognize that they are the manager for a reason and they could do everyone's job if they so choose. that what people don't get. and I will admit I'm not good at articularizing (yes i made that up) the point when it comes up. but the main point was that I'm going to stop taking things so personal. not everyone has me in mind like I have me in mind. I've never gotten the idea of being selfish. like why wouldn't I be selfish. I'm who I know and love and care about the most out of anyone in the world. so yea thats whats been on my mind lately 

Is he there?

 I stare down at your lifeless gray face and I don't recognize the person that I'm staring at. You are my dad. Well you were my dad. Well at least the closest thing I had to one. Although you didn't fit the traditional role, you played the traditional part. I'm forever grateful to you for that. I'm sporting a black skirt with a white blouse and a black tie, accessorized with a few large tears and a palm full of cold sweat. I probably have enough body fluid to fill a 10 foot deep swimming pool. The entire aisle next to me is empty. and so is the one behind me. and in front of me too. I'd expected this place to be full with people, standing room only, having to elbow my way to the front.... but to my surprise I didn't have to do any of that. All I had to do was force open the heavy oak door and listen to it loudly shutter and creak closed as its echo slowly crept its way around the mostly empty room. Many would know you as a religious man. Always a familiar face on Sundays and even bible study too. Always going the extra mile for the church picnic or the senior gathering or whatever other pointless events they had. How those more important than my swim meets I could never understand. You'd never forget to tell me that it was about the community, and giving back to them meant giving back to God. They'd do the same for you, you'd say, and they'd pour back into you when it really mattered. That wasn't holding any truth the past 2 weeks and it definitely hadn't right now. I had to arrange everything on my own and all they would offer was a measly "my condolences". Well I don't need them. My childhood filled with quiet nights at the chapel are over. You lived as a church-loving man and you died as a church-loving man. I'm glad you don't have to live to see that the church doesn't love you back. The kids you raised from babies? weren't there. The young men that you mentored? weren't there. The ladies that you threw a smile to and exchanged pleasantries with every Sunday? weren't there. I always wondered why you would give your life to Christ and the parting question I asked myself at your funeral was; Was he there?