deliberate intent

 

One of the first things I wanted to talk about was a new phrase that came to me. Deliberate intent. I feel like a lot of college students could relate to the struggle of wanting to drop out. At least once. High school pushes a certain view on us you know? Go to college, make money, work until you die. And once the money fogs your vision a little bit it's easy to ride on that idea. I came to college with that same ideology and boy did I get a rude awakening. Within a month of being here, I was ready to call it quits deadass. I called my mom, called my dad and I was ready to pack everything up and leave this in the past. Good thing I talked to my family first because they can always keep my head on straight. After a month of soul searching, I realized what it was. I couldn't live a life of contentment. If my soul didn't feel fulfilled, life wasn't worth living. No matter how much money I had in the world. I just imagined myself hanging around dead bodies all day slowly going crazy. (I wanted to be a forensic scientist lol) when I imagined my life, I realized all I wanted to see was me happy. You know that saying where they say if you love your job it doesn't feel like work? yeah, I wanted that. Before I soul searched (and before quarantine lol), college felt like an obligation, LIFE felt like an obligation. Just going through the motions. After, it felt like I had a deliberate intention to be there and I was there because I wanted to be, not because somebody else told me I had to be. So that's how I want to live my life with the deliberate intent to be who I am unapologetically and do what I want to do without hesitation. Make a conscious decision to be present for my own life and stop letting society make decisions for me. Thanks for coming to my ted talk.

The task at hand

 I know I said I wasn't going to talk about anything specific but I kind of want to write it down if not to sort things in my head but to clear things up for ya'll. I'm thinking all the things that come with being a teenage girl I guess. What do ya'll think? Money, mental health, religion/spirituality, romance, friendships etc. I don't know at least I tried to make myself organized. I'm definitely going to make a list and/or plan about the direction I want this to go in because making posts willy nilly will come back to bite me in the ass. Welp here's a picture that makes me smile and I'm sharing it with you because I want you to smile. 

smirking cowboy :) k bye loves❤

This is real, this is me

 

If you recognize the title yes, I did quote camp rock. And I'm not ashamed.

Demi Lovato, Joe Jonas - This Is Me (From "Camp Rock"/Sing-Along) - YouTube

Ok ya'll don't let me get off topic because I could talk about something random for hours. I've thought long and hard ;)) about what the sole topic of this blog will be. I am much TOO scatterbrained to focus on one thing like IDK? wings and why I love them??? (Even though that is a topic I would love to write about.) I mean honestly this is about me.... but your job is to live through me. I'm hoping to find people who are in my shoes or maybe similar shoes. Lonely people, struggling college kids, angry black women all of that. Use my experiences to create your own. I'm encouraging you to do better because you know better. And you'll know better because of me. Lets see. The reason why I chose this topic is because I'm mmmhhh..... selfish? what's a nicer way to say selfish....self involved :/ I feel like everyone could learn something about what I have to say. Look, motivation speakers make a living off of people hanging off their every word, and you don't see people calling them selfish because they think they're self important. Anyways, it does not matter because I'm working on it. My problem is that I'm too self aware so I feel like I'm the greatest thing since they invented freaking fire. ALRIGHT. I'm done. I don't want to run yall away just yet. We have a long way to go before we reach self elevation.❤

The why, The reason

Sure, this started off as a school project, http://www.pvamu.edu/cs/, but quickly I got that funny feeling I always get. When everything feels overwhelmingly right, and I want to scream and cry and bottle up that feeling so I can feel it all the time. I don't think you can truly understand how it feels when you question everything you do and even question why you question that. I won't lump all teens together and say we all don't know what we're doing with our lives, but I know I'm not too far off. Ya'll know why when I feel like this I cant ignore it. I have to admit I love writing but not formally. Here I don't have to worry about grammar, punctuation or not using abbreviations or slang. I'll never run out of paper or words to say. I definitely don't have to worry about hand cramps, but new problem unlocked, sore eyes,😭 To boil it all down to one line, this is yet another stepping stone to reach 100% me because, obviously, I'm not her yet.